True Tales of Tortall & Song Contest
by Invisible-person
Summary: These are the *totally true* reasons that Tortall is so insane! Chapter *14* should be up pretty soon...Review!
1. The Yamani Lump

True Tales of Tortall

1. Kel, the Yamani Lump

Disclaimer: I do not own this, I will never own this, it all belongs to Tamora Pierce *sob*. Forever. And Ever.

Many, many ignorant people think that Kel is nicknamed the "Yamani Lump" because she is well built. Ha, I laugh in your faces! Here, and only here is the TRUE story of the Yamani Lump.

When Kel was a page, she used to roll out of bed every morning to wake herself up. However, the floor in her room was made of stone and every morning she would concuss herself, causing a ten-minute bout of amnesia. Because of this amnesia, Kel would never remember that she bashed her face in on the floor and so never learned from her mistakes. This caused a bump the size of an egg on her forehead. But she's all right now. You can't really concuss yourself in a padded cell. Unless you are really determined.

But do they have padded cells in Tortall? Well….it could be made of cloth. Like a giant cloth bag. 

Where did THAT come from?

How should I know?

(You're talking to yourself)

What do you mean I'm talking to myself?

(You are speaking to yourself)

I am not!

(You are!)

I am not! *Chases random reader with a sword*****

Ha, that showed him/her (Well, it was random)

(A.N I don't have a clue why I wrote that! You tell me!)


	2. Alanna The Truth Behind the Temper

True Tales of Tortall

Alanna: The Truth Behind the Temper (thanks to **insane kitten** for the idea)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own this, you don't own this, but Tamora Pierce does!

Now, we all know that Alanna has a temper. Ha! But how did she get that temper? Ah! Well, just for you, the TRUTH! With special guest Ralon of Malven!

It all started when Alanna was just nine years old. Coram went out drinking one night and returned with a bottle of brandy! He then left it out overnight, and with Alanna being as curious as she was, she picked it up and drank it! (How she survived is a mystery!) The next day she was horribly hung over and proceeded to snap at anything that moved. Pleasant isn't she!

On the road to Corus, the brandy that Coram drank was not in his flask….. it was Alanna's! While at the Palace, she continued this "habit" and thus achieved a state where she was constantly hung over.

Now, we've heard from the "outside sources" *coughThom&Coramcough*, now to hear from a person that met with Alanna's temper face on: Ralon of Malven!

Interviewer:                  How did you discover that Alanna was an alcoholic?

Ralon:                           What? I thought this show was about Page Alan! Not _Alanna_ who's she?

Interviewer:                  *sigh***** Alan was Alanna in disguise!

Ralon:                           Really? I discovered when she breathed on me. That was why I said she kissed pigs!

Interviewer:                  Hmm… why pigs? 

Ralon:                           She is one!

*Alanna rides in with big sword and chops his ears off*

Ralon:                           Ow….*collapses*

Interviewer:                  And I think we will leave it there! Goodbye!

Director:                       And CUT!! HEALER! We need a HEALER

Alanna:                         You bring in a healer and I'll cut your ears off as well!

*Charges Director. Chaos erupts*

Big Voice: Next time  on True Tales of Tortall: 

**Roger of Conte: I Will Survive! (?)**

Alanna:                         Not if I have anything to do with it!


	3. Song Contest

Tortillian Song Contest

A/N: Slight change of plan. Can't be bothered to start a new story so am continuing in this one.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the songs. Ha! Now you can't get me! The songs are: "Whenever I feel afraid" by Richard Hammerstein, "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor and "Richard Cory" by Simon & Garfunkel.

*General Noise and argument*

Alanna: Me first!

Clerk: But you haven't put in and entry

Alanna: Just let me enter*Produces large sword*

Clerk: Ah, yes well my mistake, of course you can enter, you're on second!

Alanna: Good!

Presenter: Welcome to the Annual Tortillian Song Contest! This year we have two *is handed a piece of paper*, I mean three entrants! First up we have George Cooper with: "Whenever I Feel Afraid"

George runs on in a glittering gold suit with a large knife. He picks up his microphone and nods along to that intro.

Whenever I feel afraid,

I hold my knife erect

And cut off an ear or two

So no one will suspect

I'm afraid.

While shivering in my cloak

I make some people deaf

And cut off an ear or two

And no one's ever guessed

I'm afraid.

The result of this deception

Is very strange to tell

For when I fool the people I fear

They lose their ears as well!

Oh I cut off an ear or two

And to hear there dying screams

You'll never guess but it's true

I'm utterly convinced

I'm not afraid!

*Whistle*

I'll cut of your ears, and leave a nice, big, SCAR!

Presenter: Next we Alanna with: "Roger Conte"

Alanna walks on in usual clothes.

They say that Roger Conte

Owned one half of this old town

He was dashing, he was clever and

He spread his wealth around

Born into society, Duke Peter's only child

And on top of that he had the Gift

And a really charming smile

But I, I knew he was evil

And he cursed the Queen and country

And he cursed my friends and me

And they all wanted to be

'Cause they simply couldn't see

Yes they all wanted to be

Roger Conte

He caused the Sweating Sickness

But he wasn't coming back

They never knew there was a reason

He was somewhere in Carthak!

He sent us to the City

Put ideas in Jon's head

He spelled to near-certain doom

He thought that we were dead

But I, I knew he was evil

And he cursed the Queen and country

And he cursed my friends and me

And they all wanted to be

'Cause they simply couldn't see

Yes they all wanted to be

Roger Conte

The Chamber showed me pictures

When I went for my Ordeal

Roger standing, over Jonathon

I didn't know if it was real

So I crept into his room one night

Found how his evil thrived

I challenged him, we had a fight

I won and Roger died

But I, I knew he was evil

And he cursed the Queen and country

And he cursed my friends and me

And they all wanted to be

'Cause they simply couldn't see

Yes they all wanted to be

Roger Conte

*Alanna stalks off*

Presenter: Finally tonight we have Duke Roger of Conte with I Will Survive!

Roger appears on stage. Audience gasp. A fat woman faints, in the hope of being brought round with brandy. Alanna faints because everyone else seems to be doing it.

I will Survive

I will survive

If I'm not chopped in little bits

I know I'm still alive

I've got all my life to fill

I've got future kings to kill

I will survive

I will survive

Ohohohoh 

(A/N Don't know where that came from)

I'll sit on that throne

It'll be mine someday

I won't let some strange woman knight

Chuck all my hopes away

Did you think the party had ended so soon?

Duke Roger has risen, he's back from the tomb!

I'm evil you know, but give me a break!

It's hardly my fault I'm

Chased by men waving stakes

I'll get my revenge

And that is a fact

Tortillians tremble:

**DUKE ROGER IS BACK!**

Presenter: OK that's the songs over with. *Breaths sigh of relief* If you want George to win: Dial 1

If you want Alanna to win: Dial 2

If you want Roger to win: Dial 3

And if you think I would be a good purple monkey: Dial 4 and someone will be around to take you away.

Thank you and good night!


	4. Song Contest Aftermath

Song Contest – The Aftermath

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or the songs. *cracks head against wall repeatedly*

Presenter: Welcome back to the Song Contest! The votes are being counted and currently Alanna and the Purple Monkey Outfit are in the lead with two votes with George a close second with one. However, Roger is trailing behind, as he has no votes! However, all people in white coats are currently dispatched to bring in the **"subjects"**  Muahahahahahaha!!! That means that if you dialled "4", look forward to a nice cloth bag….(A/N: The Yamani Lump, Tortall don't have rubber yet!) Now, onto our ne…..

Director: Now you have to dress up in a Purple Monkey Outfit!

Presenter: No. You will never take me alive!

George: If you die then can I have your ears?

Presenter: Why would I be about to die?

Director: Breach of contract! You have to obey the director! The punishment is death by Alanna. Now get in the Purple Monkey Suit!

Presenter: Ah…*Alanna rides in with big sword* Of course I will wear the suit! *Puts it on very quickly and prances around stage*

Alanna: Damn. I wanted to kill him….

Director: Poor you. Hey, go kill Owen!

Owen: Do you have a jolly reason?

Director: You are polluting this jolly country with your jolliness!

Owen: Is that a jolly crime?

Director: *grinds teeth together* Shut….up…

Owen: Well, this is a very unjolly atmosphere! I will go and find Neal and rejollify him!

Alanna: If you even talk to my squire, I swear I'll get you!

Owen: *skips off singing* Jolly, jolly, jolly, jolly..

*Alanna charges after Owen with Big Sword. Director sighs and goes to sleep. George, thinking he is asleep, creeps over and cuts his ears off*

*Director dies*

Alanna: You killed the director! For that I must get you! *Hacks George up because she is in a temper*

George: Urk….

Presenter: *still skipping around the stage* Can.. I.. Stop.. Yet..?

Alanna: No. Keep going!

*Presenter dies of overheating*

Alanna: Hmm… I am the only one alive, therefore I declare myself the winner! *Grabs Big Gold Trophy*

*Roger appears in a puff of smoke*

Roger: I dispute that! *grabs Big Gold Trophy (BGT)

Alanna: *Hacks Roger up**Retakes BGT* Ha. I win! I'd like to thank all of my friends at the Palace, Coram, Maude the Old Village Healer, Some Bazhir guy I met and, most of all, my husband George"

*Camera swirls to George being dead on the floor*

Alanna: I got… overexcited! *Purple fire appears around hands* Must destroy all evidence! *Zaps everything and legs it*


	5. Strange but True

More Strange but True Stories

A/N: Hmm… Last chapter went nuts. Ah well…. Should probably have previewed it first. So, who was your favourite? Ok, back to more strange stories. Thanks for all the reviews!

Disclaimer: I don't own this as I'm not Tamora Pierce. Or I wasn't last time I checked…. Or the Stinky Cheese Man…

Never Eat Cheese Before Bedtime (Part I)

It was a normal morning for Kel. She had been doing Morris Dancing with her glaive, had missed a stroke and chopped her maid's ear off. Making a mental note to give it to George for his collection, she ran downstairs and bumped into Alanna, who was experimenting with either a violet or mint green moustache. Seeing Kel, she stopped and blushed self-conciously.

"I was only….. for the Yamani…." She trailed off. Kel looked at her, raised an eyebrow and told Alanna that she looked best in the mint green one. Hoping it was a cheese induced mirage, Kel ran on. Soon she heard the jangling of bells and looked out of the window to see the entire Yamani delegate doing morris dancing, many of whom were sporting broken arms and legs.

After watching for a while, she turned around to see Cleon looking soppily at her.

"I thought this was a Kel/Neal romance!" she said.

"Alanna has gone to the Convent" replied Cleon.

"Nooo!" secreamed Kel "NOT ANOTHER! Not ANOTHER 'Alanna goes to the Convent' story! Arghh!!!"

So, are we going to leave our hero at this point of devestation? While being stalked (although she doesn't know it) by the Stinky Cheese Man? No! Join us next time for……

Kel vs. The Stinky Cheese Man

Who will win?

Never Eat Cheese Before Bedtime (Part II)

Suddenly, Cleon's face began to change shape. His round head became oval and his flesh turned a mottled greeny – yellow. His big, staring eyes turned into large green olives. His wobbly fat lips turned into pieces of streaky bacon and a horrible smell filled the air, the stench of decay.

"Yay" said Kel "I knew this was a Kel/Neal romance. Well, that successfully puts Cleon out of the picture. But what is this hideous being. I mean, it's probably a better kisser than Cleon, but at least Cleon didn't smell… Oh well, I had better ask the creature its name. Beast, what are you called?" Kel wondered out loud.

"I'm the stinky Cheese Man." The creature replied.

"Yeah, well you're aptly named" laughed Kel. The Stinky Cheese Man's face darkened.

"Die!" it roared

"Oops" said Kel. The Stinky Cheese Man began to lurch menacingly forward.

"Arghh, Why, of all places to pick a fight, I pick the BATHROOM! ARRGH!" Kel felt for a sword. Then she remembered that she'd put it in for repairs. She felt for her knife. Then she remembered that she'd lent it to Neal to pick his teeth with.

"Arrgh!" She howled

"You know, you really should think of a better catchphrase" advised the Stinky Cheese Man.

"I know" confessed Kel "I haven't had time." She continued to back against the bathroom wall. Then her hand closed around something cylindrical. There was no time to lose. She quickly sprayed the can into the creature's face.

"ARGHH! PINEFRESH!" Screamed the Stinky Cheese Man.

"Beware the air freshener! And stay off my catchphrase!" Kel yelled back.

"NOOooooooooooo!" moaned the Stinky Cheese Man. He writhed and melted, until all that was left of him was an olive.

"Hmm.. NOOooooooooooo! I could work with that. Thanks Stinky Cheese Man!" And with that, Kel went off to apologis to Lalasa and give the ear to George. (Well, Lalasa wouldn't be needing it….."

Remember, the eventual, (and somewhat predictable..) moral of this story is…**Never Eat Cheese before Bedtime!**


	6. Big Marzipan Mouse

Strange (but true) Stories in Tortall

Disclaimer: I don't own this. Yet…. Except for the Big Marzipan Mouse.

Neal and the Big Marzipan Mouse (Using as many characters as possible!)

One day, Neal was out walking in the city when he suddenly saw a Big Marzipan Mouse in a sweet shop window!

"Ah!" he cried as he gazed upon it through the window. "It has such beauty, from its little green eyes to its candy cane tail! I have truly fallen in love!" Neal rushed into the shop and bought it. Then, he ordered a cab (or whatever the equivalent in Tortall is…) and went back to the Palace.

"I have decided to name you Amelia," he said to his Big Marzipan Mouse. "Don't you think it suits her?" he asked the driver. The driver, who had experience with strange Knights, simply rolled his eyes and put his foot down (A/N: On what???)

As soon as Neal arrived at the Castle, he ran to find Kel (thus satisfying Kel fans), Amelia in tow.

"Kel, Kel, I've fallen in love… look!" Neal held up Amelia.

"Boo. This sucks," said Kel "This was supposed to be another Kel/Neal romance!"

"I'll take you," replied Dom, who had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere so he could take his line.

"Well, you have the same nose… yeah, that's cool" And Kel disappeared off with Dom, thus satisfying Dom fans.

Neal lived in perfect harmony with his Big Marzipan Mouse (thus satisfying Neal fans) until one day he found Amelia was NOT THERE! In her place, there was a note. (A/N: How Big Marzipan Mice write is beyond me!) It said, "I have run away to Barbados with Cleon" (thus satisfying Cleon fans). And so, Neal's heart was broken, thus annoying King Jonathon (and including Jon fans) until Numair (thus satisfying Numair fans) turned him into a mouse (thus satisfying Daine fans).

And Cleon and Amelia lived SWEETLY ever after (until Amelia melted in the sun, thus satisfying Neal!). Roger, however, remained dead.

THE END

A/N: Sorry this is a kinda short chapter… couldn't think of anything else! Thanks for the reviews. I am now running out of ideas so…..

*Owen skips through singing with Alanna still chasing him from the end of Song Contest*

Owen: "Jolly, jolly, jolly, jolly!"

Alanna: "Arrgh!"

Kel: That's my catchphrase!


	7. Big Apologies! Migod its the Tellytubbie...

OK, well thanks for all the reviews, you lovely kind gorgeous people. OK, now we've buttered you up...  
  
THE BIG APOLOGY  
  
There haven't been any stories for a while...I'm sorry they were eaten by 15cms of evil in a cage A.K.A My sister's hamster..or was it the monster that lives in Aisle Nine? Anyhow, I forget...We ARE carrying on with this project, we've just been VERY busy...  
  
THE BIG PROMISE  
  
We will write you some more stories. Hahahahahhahahhahah! Or your money back...Oh hang on, you didn't pay us did you? Go fight it out with Microsoft...*Warning-not recommended for your personal health*  
  
Oncoming projects...Alanna vs. Kel...who can sing better?????  
  
Thankyou, please keep reading or I will set The Men Bearing Spoons upon you...Mwahahhahhaahhaahahahhahah!  
  
Invisible-person 


	8. Alanna vs Kel Its time to channel all th...

Kel Vs. Alanna  
  
Disclaimer OK! I admit it...it`s not mine! Not the songs.....or the characters! PLEASE! NOOOOOOO! Don`t hurt me anymore! *sobs *  
It`s morning in the castle. Kel is in the room next to Alanna. They are both singing.  
  
Alanna - You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille!!!! (A/N If you know who sang that then you`re even sadder than I am!) Kel- Nothing but the dead and dying back in my little town!  
  
They carry on singing cheerfully. Then, suddenly George appears..  
  
George- Good morning Alanna! My sweet cherry! Brought into my arms by a twist of fate! Alanna- I was singing! Anyhow, I`m only yours because someone stood on Liam! George- No, that was Faithful remember! Alanna- Whatever.  
  
They are silent for a bit, glaring at each other. They can hear Kel singing. She has finished "My Little Town" and has moved on to "Mrs Robinson"  
  
Alanna- Who IS that Mrs Robinson anyhow? George- It`s a famous song by Simon and Garfunkel. It was in a film, The Graduate. I`m sorry, I get paid to advertise this! Alanna- They didn`t invent film yet! Anyhow, don`t you think I`m a better singer than her?  
  
George goes red.  
  
George- Well, my sweet cherry.. Alanna- DON`T YOU?  
  
She hits George with a dictionary. George runs out of the room.then pokes his head around the door again.  
  
George-What`s a dictionary anyhow? Alanna- I dunno, the author introduced it to makes us look smarter! Anyhow, aren`t you supposed to be weeping?  
  
George runs away again, weeping. Alanna looks satisfied.  
  
Suddenly Kel appears. (A/N I like it when people appear suddenly. It satisfies the criteria for suspense.)  
  
Kel- Hey! I heard you singing Alanna, but I couldn`t help but notice... Alanna- What? Kel- Is "You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille" the ONLY line in the song? Alanna- The author doesn`t know any more of it! And anyhow, it`s the best line! Kel- Well....would you mind singing it I tune please? Because your off-tune renendition sets my delicate nerves jangling! Alanna- Well! I like that! Why do you only sing Simon and Garfunkel songs? Kel- Because they`re the authors favourite band. Anyhow, I can sing in French too! Alanna- Bleah. I can THRASH you in a singing contest! Kel- Oh yeah? Alanna- Yeah! Kel-Yeah? Alanna- Yeah! Kel- This is starting to sound like an episode of Eastenders...Oi Phil! Our Laura wants a word with you! Freeze frame!  
  
*drum roll*  
  
So what will happen next? Who will win the singing contest? Will I get sued for using so many trademarked things?  
  
Find out next time on. Alanna vs Kel..who can sing better? ...........................................  
  
Final disclaimer  
  
I don`t own the Simon and Garfunkel songs, namely My Little Town and Mrs Robinson. I don`t own The Graduate either. I don`t own Eastenders (thank god!) I don`t own Lucille..I don`t know who does either, I saw it on Top Of The Pops 2 one night when I was feeling particually bored. But I DO own a dictionary!!! 


	9. Its Makeover time! Please, try not to hy...

Disclaimer- I don't own the characters. I don't own What Not To Wear. I don't own My Little Pony and I don't own Tammy Girl or Band-Aids. Or I would be very rich.  
  
OK, I just realised that we already did singing. So please tell me if you still want it, or you want something else. In the meantime...  
What Not To Wear, With Jonny and Nealzannah  
  
Jon- We're Jonny and Nealzannah, hard-hitting style journalists, in search of women who need a makeover..  
  
Neal- This week, we're making over Duke Roger. He's been wearing the same clothes for an awfully long time, and he smells a bit funny!  
  
Jon- That's because he's DEAD Neal! Anyhow he's not a woman!  
  
Neal- Oh, I wondered..well he'll do.yeah! Thom! Come and raise Roger from the dead again!  
  
Jon- Ummm.Thom's dead too!  
  
Neal- No he isn't! Daine turned him into a rat.  
  
Jon- OK then. DAINE! Stop experimenting on that Rat! That's what Numair`s for, remember! Go and feed Numair your latest batch of horse dung cakes, there's a good girl!  
  
Neal- Yay! Now all we have to do is raise him from the dead, present him with a cheque, be nasty about his taste in clothes, take him shopping, tell him that he looks sexy in a lycra dress then take him back to the office, have his hair made over, film him for the next month looking like a sack of potatoes and voile! One television show!  
  
Jon- * looks shifty * Yeah, that's basically it!  
  
Neal- Can I bring My Little Pony?  
  
Jon- Shhhhh! Lawyers are everywhere!!  
  
Voiceover * Whooo! Voiceover!!! YayayA! Ouch! Don't hit me Jon! Anyhow, we had to , like, get Roger in the office a week later...don't hit me! I'll tell Mummy!  
  
Jon- So, I notice you haven't changed your outfit for the past year. Can you tell us more about that? Roger- Yeah well, being dead doesn't help you know!  
  
Jon- So we're going to add some bright colours to your wardrobe, maybe some Fawn, maybe some beige, some fuchsia, some cream..  
  
Neal- Yum! Are you cooking Jon?  
  
Jon- No they're.....never mind..  
  
Shopping Day One  
  
*voiceover* Roger is very excited about shopping. Where are you going to shop Roger?  
  
Roger- Tammy Girl!!!!!!  
  
*Voiceover* Well, the less said about that the better. Come on Neal, we have to sit in an upmarket restaurant following his every move!!  
  
Roger- Funky! Let's go and spend, spend, spend!  
  
Jon- We didn't give you the money yet!  
  
Roger- I thought you hadn't noticed.awww! Look at that baby- blue soft-knit double-hyphenated cardigan-jumper!  
  
Neal- Isn't that for a DOG?  
  
Roger- Pet stores sell clothes too!!  
  
Jon- I always wondered why you had a tartan jumper that said "Rover"!  
  
Neal- I didn't know it talked!  
  
Roger- SPEND!!!!!!  
  
*voiceover * Well, it's been a hard days` shopping, and Roger has spent ALL of his money! He didn't even buy me an ice cream!!!!  
  
Back at the studio  
  
Jon- Well Roger has bought three green scarves, eight pairs of grape- scented socks, a pair of purple clown shoes, sixteen bowler hats with pictures of polar bears on, a tube of black and orange lipstick, a monogrammed shirt (D.I.E) A Funky Chicken sweater, a pair of elasticated trousers made out of Band-Aids and some pretty hair clips!  
  
Roger- They're shaped like flowers!  
  
Neal- What grace! What style! What co-ordination!  
  
Jon- What a waste of money!!!!  
  
Neal- And so, it's goodbye from us! Goodbye!  
  
Roger- Muhahahhaaha!!!! Yes..GOODBYE! 


	10. Authors Pleading Notice

This is NOT a new chapter! I didn`t get any reviews for chapter 9. PLEASE review to tell me if you liked it or not, I go on what you think as a guideline for my fanfics!!!!! Without your ideas and comments I have no idea if you liked the last chapter and just aren`t reviewing or if you want something completely different! I am also considering writing something completely different, still Tamora Pierce, but maybe a Circle fic and maybe even NOTA FUNNY FIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Please review and tell me what you think!!!!!! The little button is just over there, all you have to do is click and type a few nice words * smiles hopefully* pretty please!  
  
OK I`m done begging you, you`re free to go and REVIEW!  
  
Invisible_person 


	11. The PantomimePart One

Yay! New chapter!  
  
Disclaimer- This week, I STILL don`t own the characters.I don`t own the theme from Cape Fear either..*boo* But I DO own Mrs Flibberwobby!!!  
  
Thankyou all you nice lovely kind people who reviewed my story!! Keep reviewing!!  
  
OK, I am officially OFF STRIKE! Which means......it`s NEW CHAPTER time!!!!!! (  
  
The Pantomime.duh duh duuuh!! * Theme from Cape Fear*  
  
Alanna steps onto stage in a purple skirt and a t-shirt that says *I Love Pandas *  
  
Alanna-So, hey! Welcome to our new pantomime! It`s called..I Love Pandas!!  
  
George appears.  
  
George- Umm.Alanna? It`s supposed to be a tense murder mystery, featuring an eight-legged horse!!  
  
Alanna- Horse.Panda..what`s the difference?  
  
Numair- Well actually..  
  
Alanna- Nobody asked you. You eat Daine`s cooking. Therefore you are a minority.  
  
Numair runs off weeping..(and before you ask, I am completely in favour of a Daine/Numair romance, but I need somebody for all the characters to be horrible to!!!!)  
  
Daine- You made Numair cry!! I hate you!! *slaps Alanna*  
  
Alanna- * Brandishes long sword* Yaargh!  
  
Daine- Sorry.*turns into a panda and scampers off in search of Numair*  
  
Alanna- *rubs hands together and drops sword*  
  
Alanna- Right so..umm..cast list  
  
Dramatis Personae  
  
Alanna- Main Panda  
  
George- Eight-legged horse  
  
Daine- Animal effects  
  
Numair- Mrs Flibberwobby + scenery  
  
Kel- Little Girl  
  
Joren- Little boy  
  
Numair- But!...*freeze frame* Duh Duh Duuuuuuuh!!!!!!!!!! *theme from Cape Fear plays again*  
  
So, what will happen next time? The second part of this story (I think I`ll make it have 2 or 3 parts) will be up as soon as I can drag myself to the computer,  
  
AND DON`T FORGET TO REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	12. The PantomimePart Two!

The Pantomime- Part Two!!  
  
Last time on-The Pantomime!!  
  
We left Numair at the point of making a shocking revealation!!!!!!!! What will he say???  
  
Numair- But.I`m not a girl!  
  
*shocked intake of breath*  
  
Alanna- Hey! It`s MY job to pretend to be a member of the opposite sex!  
  
Numair- No, seriously!  
  
Daine- Duh.  
  
Alanna- Well, you have to play Mrs Flibberwobby! You`re the only person that`s right for a role of such talent and sensitivity!  
  
Numair- *blushes* well..I might reconsider..  
  
Alanna- It would be such a shame to lose such an experienced actor as you,Numair!  
  
Daine- Hey! He`s MY boyfriend!  
  
Alanna- And you`re welcome to him! I`m only cajoling him into being Mrs Flibberwobby!  
  
George- Ummm..can you hurry up please! This is only a three part serial!!!!!  
  
All- SHUT UP GEORGE!!!!  
  
Kel- I don`t want to be a cute little girl! I want to be a BIG, STRONG MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Joren- And I don`t want to be a little boy! I want to be a GLAMOUROUS SUPERMODEL!!  
  
Alanna- Tough. OK, you all have your parts. Learn them by tomorrow night, or I will chop you up, put you in a blender and serve you up as a smoothie!  
  
George- They didn`t invent smoothies yet, dumbo.  
  
All- SHUT UP GEORGE!!  
  
Alanna chops George up, puts him in a blender and serves him as a smoothie.  
  
George smoothie-Ouch. Please accept my apologies, oh, Supreme swordwoman, Alanna of my heart.  
  
All- SHUT UP GEORGE!  
  
Alanna- Spouting like a fountain from the castle Plaza isn`t going to make you flavour of the month in my books! Although, you do have a flavour..  
  
George smoothie- What?  
  
Alanna- George flavour! Hahahhahhhahahahhah!  
  
George looks depressed. Alanna drops the smoothie glass.  
  
George smoothie- Splat!  
  
All- SHUT UP GEORGE!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Yayayya! Another chapter! OK, my thanks to everyone who reviewed!!!! Yes I`m VERY proud of you Nymph Demon for clicking the little button and typing! All you nice people out there can follow her shining example!!!! 


	13. The PantomimePart Three!

EMERGENCY DISCLAIMER!!  
  
I forgot the disclaimer! I forgot the disclaimer!!!! I forgot the disclaimer for chapter 12!!! I`m sorry! Please..nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Not the squirrel! PLEASE not the squirrel!!!!!!  
  
OK..I don`t own any of the characters...yes I do! OWWwwwwwwww!! No, no, I don`t, I`m sorry..I`m sorry!!!!!!!! Forgive me!!  
  
*bows to giant statue of Tamora Pierce*  
  
Umm. I think I own everything else!!  
  
If I don`t so..sue me! *a great swarm of lawyers descends on her* *bows to giant statue of Tamora Pierce again*  
  
Oh, great goddess!!  
  
OK, that will serve as the disclaimer for chapter 13 as well.  
  
Many, Many thanks to all you nice people who review me, especially fear the limbo who told me why the anonymous people don`t review, so LISTEN UP you anonymous people, you don`t even have to log in now, to type a few nice words in the little box!!!!!!  
  
OK, I`m actually supposed to be writing the story right now, so I won`t keep you in suspense any longer..  
  
The Pantomime....Part Three!!!  
  
It`s the night of the pantomime. The curtain rustles expectantly, and the audience are straining to listen to Numair singing "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" (actually I don`t own that, but.whatever)  
  
Alanna appears on stage in a Bodicia dress...and an I Love Pandas t-shirt.  
  
Alanna- OK, the production is called..A Day In The Life Of Alanna!  
  
Numair appears on stage with a harp and strums it lovingly.  
  
Numair- This is Alanna, our fighting hero bold.  
  
With lilac eyes and sword point sharp and hair of copper and gold!  
  
All- With lilac eyes and sword point sharp and hair of copper and gold.  
  
Numair- She wakes up in the morning when the sun is shining bright.  
  
And washes her face, and brushes her hair, and I forgot my line!  
  
All- She washes her face and brushes her hair, and he forgot his line!  
  
Numair- Then she runs downstairs, cuts off George`s ears and saddles her horse, so smoothly.  
  
I wish that you could see George, but she made him into smoothie!  
  
All- We wish that you could see George, but she made him into smoothie!  
  
Numair- She grabs her sword, and kisses her kids, and cuts off a bad guy`s head.  
  
And the bad guy keels over and wishes he`d never got out of bed!  
  
All- And the bad guy keels over and wishes he`d never got out of bed!  
  
Numair- `Cause she is Tortall`s saviour  
  
Daine- I resent that!  
  
Numair- She`s brave, brave, brave Alanna!  
  
All- She does her job, they all repent because of brave Alanna.  
  
But Daine resents the fact that she is called sweet Tortall`s saviour!  
  
Numair- So she goes up to the palace and she disses good king Jon.  
  
Then she sends a present, grabs her horse, and swiftly rideth on!  
  
All- She sends a present, grabs her horse, and swiftly rideth on!  
  
Numair- So lunchtime strikes, she eats her fill and turns back to go home.  
  
For she`s not scared of the dark,dark forest (Daine makes owl sound) Alanna rides alone!  
  
All- For she`s not scared of the dark, dark forest, Alanna rides alone!  
  
Numair- She drops in on some little kids, they smile at her so sweetly (Kel and Joren smile at Alanna)  
  
Alanna rides on as they fight to the death for her picture from Tortall weekly  
  
All- Alanna rides on as they fight to the death for her picture from Tortall weekly!  
  
Numair- Well, the hour is late, it`s getting dark and I must end my song. If you ever want my song again, dial Mrs Flibberwobby, 701  
  
All- If you ever want his song again, dial Mrs Flibberwobby, 701!  
  
Numair gives his harp one final twang and runs off stage. The director is in tears, and tries to sneak out the back exit. Meanwhile, the audience continue to clap.  
Yaya! My epic song is complete! Thanx people! 


	14. The Alanna Doll!

Hey!  
  
OK,OK, don`t kill me, I couldn`t get on the PC last night because the stupid ISP was clogged up with stupid phone calls, and it wouldn`t let me log on with my lousy dial-up connection to write another epic or six..  
  
Thankyou SOOOOOOo much for your nice reviews!! Ok, actually, I`m kind of running out of ideas for fanfics.duh duh duuuuuuuuuh!!! So, the question is, shall I continue writing True Tales of Tortall or start something else?? Please tell me in a review *smiles sweetly*  
  
Here`s my latest crazy idea.  
  
DISCLAIMER- It`s day fourteen in the Tamora Pierce house, and the fans of True Tales Of Tortall are beginning to realise that invisible_person might not be the owner of the Tamora Pierce characters after all..  
  
The Alanna Doll!!  
  
It`s a nice, quiet normal day in the palace. Daine is sitting in the corner playing with some chipmunks and letting them run all over Numair, who has turned into a tree for their enjoyment. Alanna is quietly sharpening her sword. Jon bursts in.  
  
Jon- Alanna! You`ll never guess what!  
  
Alanna- No I won`t so just tell me.  
  
Jon- They turned you into a Barbie doll!  
  
Daine gasps. Numair tries to look shocked, which is pretty hard when you`re made of wood and have a dozen fluffy things running all over your head.  
  
Alanna- Really?  
  
Jon- Yup!  
  
Alanna- Does it have any interesting add-ons?  
  
Jon- Yeah, it comes complete with plastic horse, plastic sword, light-up emberstone and flashing eyes!  
  
Alanna- Cool...did they make a doll of anyone else?  
  
Jon- I`m a Ken Doll! *Puffs up proudly* I have a crown and a portable tent!  
  
Daine- Hey! Is there an action figure of me too?  
  
Jon- Yeah, you have a bow, plastic arrows with sucker bits on them and you transform into a wolf!  
  
Daine- What about Cloud?  
  
Jon- You can get a Cloud doll with eight programmed phrases at the great price of 50 Gold Nobels!  
  
Numair quickly turns back from a tree.  
  
Numair- So.did they make me into a doll then?  
  
Jon- You have flashing lights and 5 programmed phrases..  
  
Numair- Which are.  
  
Jon- I love you magelet, Let`s kill evil, Noooo!, I thought you were dead and DAINE!!  
  
Numair blushes and becomes fascinated with the carpet.  
  
Alanna- So, how do you know we`re not prototypes of the dolls?  
  
Jon- Of course we`re not..  
  
The palace opens up and a great big hand comes in and picks Jon up,  
  
Jon- Noooooooooo!  
  
Numair- Hey, that`s my catchphrase!  
  
OK, I know that`s a bit weird but, hey, it`s funny. Ummm..I don`t own Big Brother, Barbie belongs to Mattel..or so they say..duh duuuuuuuuh!! 


End file.
